With the second of three open weekends of 2016 now in the rear-view mirror, I started thinking about how I would spend my days off if I were a NASCAR Sprint Cup Series driver.

Would I travel to some exotic locale? Probably not … I’d save that for the off season where I could go for a couple weeks.

Would I learn to cook? Definitely not … that has disaster written all over it. Besides I’m fine with the limited knowledge I already have when it comes to making my way around the kitchen.

Then what would I do on my free weekends if I were an actual NASCAR driver? I’m glad you asked.

Here are the top-five things I’d do on my weekend off.

  1. THE STAY-CATION TO END ALL STAY-CATIONS: I would sleep in every day. When I wake up, I would fully embrace the zombie lifestyle and do absolutely nothing — except watch television, play video games and play with my die-cast. Forget yard work, chores and everything else responsible adults do. (Note: I’m too frugal to pay someone to do my yard work.) Everything would be on hold while I lounge in my bean bag chair wearing a t-shirt and sweat pants and either watch all-day marathons of “American Pickers” or play Elders Scrolls Online. How sweet would this be? Then again, after re-reading this paragraph, it’s probably a good thing that I’m not a NASCAR driver.
  2. CREATE AND RULE OVER MY OWN LEGO UNIVERSE: It doesn’t matter if it’s the Death Star or the Police Station, I’ve loved Legos since I was little. I’ve always wanted to build my own Lego universe and with the salary of a NASCAR driver, I’d be able to make my dreams come true. The Simpsons House, Batman’s Batcave and The Lion CHI Temple, as well as every other set, would all have spots in my kingdom. With a tear in my eye, I’d give them back to my sons when I had to return to my racing schedule, but I would look back fondly on my time as the ruler of my very own Lego world.
  3. START A BAND: Of all the items on this list, this is the least plausible. Of all the things I’m not talented at, anything to do with music would be at the top of the list. Singing? My own sons beg me to stop singing. Playing guitar? I’m not even sure I know how to hold one. Playing drums? I pretend I’m a drummer from time to time, but even I can tell I have no rhythm, timing or know how to hold a beat. But man, I’d sure love to be part of a band. Perhaps there’s a spot for me behind the lead singer where I stand there and just bob my head to the beat — or at least try.
  4. ENROLL IN A DRIVING EXPERIENCE: I’ll be the first to admit it, as a NASCAR driver I would probably be a sub-par driver … perhaps worse. In addition to a lot of other reasons that I won’t get into here, one of the primary reasons I’d never in fact be a NASCAR driver is my obvious lack of talent. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d love being a driver and cherish every opportunity I got, but sooner or later I’d be found out. Therefore, I’d enroll in one of the several driving schools or racing experiences during my week off to pick up some valuable seat time. It wouldn’t matter to me if it was Richard Petty Driving Experience, NASCAR Racing Experience or Rusty Wallace Racing Experience. I’m not picky. However, if I turn out to be a pretty good race car driver, perhaps I’d use the weekend off to research the idea of opening my own driving experience.
  5. APPEAR ON “SHARK TANK:” Watch out Mark Cuban, Kevin O’Leary, Barbara Corcoran, Daymond John and the other business mavericks on “Shark Tank!” Using my position as a NASCAR driver and whatever clout I may have (Note: if I have to go to a driving experience to become a better driver, my clout is probably pretty low), I’d go before the sharks and pitch my idea. Although my product isn’t normally what they’re looking for on the show, it’s something I don’t think any of them could turn down — the chance to sponsor and turn Splash ‘n Go into an international success. So, do I have any takers?